Two Thousand & Seventeen.

Hello there.

It’s been quite sometime since I posted here, over a year ago in fact, but here I am – Happy New Year!!

I’m not going to bother with filling in the missing year, things are just the same, ill mental health, even more complicated family issues than before, and would still happily be dead at a moments notice; However.

2017 is here and I can have a clean slate if I choose to. I haven’t set any resolutions this year because not only do i struggle with motivation, will power and determination, but setting myself goals just makes me panic because I worry too much about fulfilling them. What I do want to do though which is something pretty small is to make note of at least one positive thing that has happened to me each week for the next 52 weeks to come of 2017. I’m going to both write them in a small notebook I received as a gift from my little sister and try to make one blog post a week about them/my week.

I’m hoping above anything else it will encourage me to get back into writing just enough to spur on creative writing again.

Since today is the very first day of the year, I’ll tell you about my most favourite moment of 2016. It was the 26th of October and just 2 days after my birthday. I had my little sister over, my best friend James, my other best friend Sophie who brought my two wonderful Godsons over and then my oldest sister, Brother-in-law and three nieces. We spent the day together laughing, eating sweets taking selfies listening to music and just catching up and it was just a good day. Those are pretty rare so celebrating them when they happen is definitely a must.

I’m mostly thankful for the very best friends I’m bringing into yet another year, feeling very lucky with the people I can confide in and love unconditionally that I get to call my closest friends.

 

That’s all I have for now, hopefully I’ll be back next Sunday with my favourite moment of Week 1 of 2017!

 

Therapy.

So last thirsday I braved it and called up and explained that I wanted to see a female therapist; it was daunting during the phonecall and I seriously considered just hanging up and not going to anything, but I persevered and got swapped in for Monday this week.

I’m so glad I swapped and so glad I went because she was so wonderful. She was imediately reassuring and I opened up to her so much and she was just so much better than I could have hoped for.

She already knew all of my history so that was a plus as I didnt necessarily want to go over everything again, but we did get pretty deep in that 1st hour and I did cry at one point but I feel optomistic that my new therapist is the right therapist and that is so important. I’m so ready for change and this to work that I know I will put in 110% in order to get better.

I have no longer put a timeframe on myself for doing it either. It will take aslong as it takes even if I go at it at the smallest of paces. My ultimate goal is to be a mental health worker, in any field that helps people in my current position.

I have some homework to do before my next session; I have to write down a list of all the issues I feel are the problems I’m in CBT for and a list of things I want to get out of attending this course of therapy, which I think is something I’d advise anyone heading into any course of treatment to do because you can keep a record of all the things you need help with and mark them off as you learn new tools and coping mechanisms for each issue.

I have a few other things I’d like to write about but I’ll save that for another post hopefully sometime this week 🙂

Scratch that last one

So we’ve got to Wednesday night and I’m already determined I won’t be going to tomorrow’s apt. I feel like utter crap. I really wanted to push through and go, and it seams like I’ve given up before I’ve got off the ground but I’ve tried to talk myself into making sure I go since I got the letter.

The thought of going and seeing a male doctor/therapist is making me panic, like really panic, to the point of after-panic despair. I feel really really shit and don’t even want to be alive right now, all because I don;t know how I’m going to get out of this tomorrow.

My GP rang me yesterday to let me know that She had been in contact with the psychiatrist and would put me through for that after this initial CBT appointment and if I wanted to do so – so now I’ have to go see her on tuesday to tell her I didn’t even go 😦

I’m going to call up the CBT service in the morning and just tell them that I’m really sorry but won’t be able to attend the appointment and if I can rearrange with a female Dr. If I can manage that in the morning that is. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place over something this trivial, what a mess.

I know that calling ahead of the afternoon appointment and explaining the situation to the person on the phone will be the lesser of two evils, but I don’t even want to do that right now.

I’ve got an explosion of things going around in my head and I just want to sleep. I’ve just taken my meds so hopefully will be knocked out soon 😦

Appointment with getting better

So after last weeks referral to see the psych again by my GP, I got my CBT letter through and my first appointment is on this coming thursday.

I’m absolutely terrified because first and foremost, it’s with a man. Now I know that may sound sexist, but there are reasons behind my being far more comfortable with a woman over a man. I’m scared I won’t want to open up to him.

I know I don’t know him though; and I will make myself go to this appointment and go from there rather than panicking over something before it’s happened.

I was thinking about making some notes about things I want to get help with – in case I go blank like I often do when incredibly nervous. I was wondering if anyone could offer any advice on that? Is it normal to take notes in? Will he think I’m weird or being silly? I just want to be as open as I can because I really want to get better and my last course of CBT didn’t help and I messed it up and I just don’t want to do that.

Any advice would be so helpful and I’d be entirely grateful.

A Long Time Coming

Hey there blogging world.

I know it’s been a while, I won’t make excuses, I’ll just write and write and try and be a little more routinal with this.

I’ll split this over a few posts over the next few days since there are a few things I want to talk about, for now however, I’ll start with how things have been over the last few months.

So things have been all shades of mental health issues. The highs have been very few and far between, since mostly the last two months have been pretty shitty months. I had my birthday which was triggering for a lot of reasons, along with the usual stresses and daily tribulations.

I went to see my GP today for the first time in a month which was slightly daunting, but it turned out to be quite apositive appointment really. I’ve been referred back to see the psychiatrist while I await level 4 CBT, which could be anytime between now and around February. My Dr. wants me to be more open with the psych this time round as she knows I barely opened up last time. I’ll be honest, that’s quite true. I know that seems stupid considering I really do want the help, but in my defense, at the time I was so anxious and the initial few meetings were so daunting that I played down as much as I could just to get out of the appointments sooner. I feel like this time round I will be more open as I know through a couple of friends that it’s so much better to be totally open and honest and actually get the help you need rather than being passed from pillar to post and not really getting things tackled.

I think I want to explore a few avenues and get something nailed down in a way, so I can get all the right help from all the right places cause I have such big plans for getting better and building an amazing future for myself. I know I’m in an ambitious mood right now, and even if I don’t feel this way when I wake up, I know ultimately my real goals are to get back through university and do something good with my life. Whether it be teaching at primary school level, something to do with psychology, becoming a qualified counsellor myself or working in the mental health field, or even mental health advocacy. Either way, I intend to have a better life for myself. I know that inevitably, the comedown from what I’m writing now will turn to a low, and include thoughts and behaviours indicative of not reaching my own future, but for now, I remain optimistic that change will come.

I’ll try and swing back by in the next couple of days, talk about a few other things and stop these posts being so few and far between.

Until then 🙂

Updates

The last few weeks have been a mess of suicidal thoughts, plans and intentions.

I wrote most of my suicide notes out, while in an absolute mess of crying and feeling off my face manic over the space of a week or so. I even had a CBT screening meeting that ran for an hour and I wasn’t in a good frame of mind when I attended so she flagged concerns with my GP who called me tuesday morning (which may I add was just horrendous, I hate being called up and all that jazz), to which I was keen to brush off and told him I was feeling much better and there was nothing to worry about. In all fairness to me, I did feel better on the Sunday, Monday and half of yesterday, but last night was horrendous, I ended up having this awful panic attack in the cloak of darkness and cried myself to sleep. I took myself to bed after taking my medication and taking a small walk to clear my head, while my best friend was asleep on the sofa and my little brother still playing some PC game, I just wanted to scream so loud but I took myself to bed, put on some music and tried to calm myself down. I had that horrible sick feeling you get in your stomach and I could feel myself shaking, I was crying my eyes out but I dealt with it on my own and I do think thats important, as in I got through the night and dealt with it.

Today I feel exhausted and need a break from absolutely nothing. I feel so abnormal for feeling as though I need a break from everything when I do nothing. I just don’t want to do today, I want to crawl back into bed and sleep the day away, but I can’t sleep in the day. I woke up around 4am last night and did read half a book, fell back to sleep around 6.30 and got up just before 9, so I just long for a full, unbroken night’s sleep.

Needless to say, I feel like shit and can’t wait for bedtime, but I don’t plan to carry out anything I’ve planned, mainly because I’m not alone and feel exhausted.

Split decisions for Sanity.

So, firstly, Sorry I’ve not been around lately. I’ve had an incredibly shit week. There have been a few nice moments, but in terms of my depression, I have had such a bad, bad week. There has been a whole lot of crying, a whole lot of writing (just on my laptop) and a lot of suicidal thoughts. But I’ll probably write another blog post for that, shortly. For now I want to talk about something I feel I need some help with at the moment, and something I think I will pursue when I start CBT again next weekend.

I have spent to many years allowing others to walk all over me, allowing them to hurt me, and then opening up to allow it to happen again, from the same things, by the same people, and I’ve decided; no more.

I’ve been learning to accept that I don’t have to bend myself backwards for people, I have the right to say no, step back, check myself and see how much something will affect me. I know in my heart of hearts I am not a selfish person, and am slowly learning that you do have to be ‘selfish’ sometimes – but I want to call it something else – I am being for myself. Which means that It’s okay to not constantly try to make other people happy, especially if it has a detrimental effect on one’s self.

So I made a decision this week to not force something upon myself because it feels like something I Should do. I am an adult, I don’t have to do anything that makes me uncomfortable or more importantly, unhappy. Especially when my happiness is on such a tightrope, all the damn time.

I struggle with one major emotion though, which definitely disrupts my ability to move forward with my decisions; Guilt. I live on guilt – all my decisions are tainted with the sheer guilt that any time I make a choice it may upset someone else, which leaves me constantly setting myself on fire, just to keep others alight. Guilt eats me up from the inside out, I think its strongly linked to my anxiety because it genuinely causes me to feel physical pains, a loss of sleep and generally leaves me feeling down. When I say I live on guilt, I really mean it, even in the simplest of things like spilling a coffee in someones car or accidentally having the last of the milk and there not being a new bottle for someone else, those kind of things leave me feeling guilty, sick and quite frankly, like a piece of shit. I recognise that that is not a ‘normal‘ behaviour and is another thing to add to my list of things I need to get help with.

So my point of this blog post I guess is that although I have every intention of making a decision to carry out an action, I most likely won’t do it because I can’t bring myself to end up feeling all those other emotions, just by doing something that I know logically is the right thing for my own sanity.